I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
