nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My pussy is not your playground.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
