You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize