He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
it's like heaven, but drunker
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
