I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
