I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
