I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
