I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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