What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
why does every cop we meet know your name?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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