Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
