I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
my being single is dangerous.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
