Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
