when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
