i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
