My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
