I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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