Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
