dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
