i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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