he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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