Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
