I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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