Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
be right there i have to get my cape
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
