How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
