you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
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