dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize