I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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