2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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