Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
