I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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