You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
