The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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