good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
