why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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