Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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