WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
