I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
my liver is dry heaving
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
