he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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