i think my tv is drunk
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
