I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I am naked and annoyed.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
