The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
