He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
