i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Hippo gnu deer
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
