The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
