I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
