she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize