I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
