There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
