There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
That's how pantless uber rides happen
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
