I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
