I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
