Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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