I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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