I accidentally burped into my bong.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
