I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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