Me. At least after what I've been through.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
