Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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