apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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