I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
