your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
