haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
