Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize